Forgiveness

Our muddled past.

Can our core selves change on important topics? Scripting, race, sex and gender issues?
Can we forgive transgression? Do we believe that we can learn?

The human mind and soul are infinitely complex things. We ascribe societal rules of conduct for safety, for comfort and sometimes, unfortunately, for societal control of others for personal gain (or prevention of perceived personal loss). Sometimes these rules are laws. Sometimes they are unspoken - and in some cases, largely ignored, to hit some critical mass and suddenly be known.

And there are degrees of infringement. Although I believe intent is important, it appears to be a subtlety lost on the court of pubic opinion. Let's take an example -

We find Harvey Weinstien abhorrent (and he is) for what he did and his case of err is clear and he deserves what he gets. But when power is wielded with non-sexual intent - for instance, when an upper level individual in a corporation is instructed to lay off 1000 plus workers - and is at risk of being fired if they won't, if their conscience prevents them from upsetting and destroying lives - isn't there some of the same dilemma? Power is being used to force another into an uncomfortable and even personally damaging situation.

Take Al Franken then - guilty of bad form and some misogynistic actions – and not downplaying the serious nature of these. His comments and apologies make me think he is able to learn and grow from those mistakes.

Is every sentence to be handed down to be a banishment for life? Certainly we all carry lessons around. I've made mistakes of many types and those lessons stay with me and shape the better person I think I am today. But lessons are best when they are not eternal punishment. We should save that for people who cannot be forgiven. They need to be locked away either physically or societally in some cases. For the betterment of the whole.

I cannot always let go of my mistakes. And it starts out as self punishment. But to keep a lesson close is very different than eternal punishment. And it sometimes takes time to change from a punishment to a lesson.

A personal example - in 7th grade, I was 13 and played junior varsity basketball. After practice one day, a girl I knew asked me out. I had never dated anyone, although I was definitely attracted to her - she was very pretty, I was scared out of my mind. First, I was pretty shy around girls, especially girls I was attracted to. Secondly, she was black and I am white. My family never held up race as a barrier - I was raised in a very unbiased environment, but in the 1970s, interracial dating wasn't mainstream.

I wasn't unkind, but I turned her down. I personally was ashamed. One of my life regrets now (and I'm fortunate not to have tons to drag behind me, but I didn't know how to stand up to these particular fears yet). I missed the experience of knowing someone I actually did want to know because I was scared. Variations of that mistake in romantic and non romantic contexts (without racial implications) played out through my younger life until I realized that my fears of either hurting myself or my fear of hurting others - rather than thinking they would understand me, prevented honesty and subsequently actually prevented my happiness - and sometimes theirs.

I'd like to think that I would not make those mistakes today. So I believe in learning. And I'm not asking for anyone to forgive our societal monsters - the rapists, the racists, the greedy liars.

I'm supportive of the outing of these people. I do think there are some who subsequently are lumped in there, who have made mistakes, certainly, but don't deserve the lifetime banishment, which I believe should be reserved for the Bill Cosbys,  Martin Skhrelis and Harvey Weinsteins of the world - those who would subordinate others to their wishes and greed.

I think we need to look on those who commit lesser offence and see what their intent was - and when in their life it was - and understand that we can learn and forgive bad actions. And forgiveness is something that is healing for all parties - it improves the lesson and the outcome. So we should search our hearts for it where possible.

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